Tag Archives: forgiveness

Fallen

For MindLoveMiserysMenagerie’s Sunday Writing Prompt: to write a piece launched by this quote from Sherlock Holmes (the series):

Oh, I may be on the side of the angels, but don’t think for one second that I am one of them …..

Seventy times seven, blah, blah, blah. Have you ever done the math? I have. 490. That’s it. At this point I have more than fulfilled my quota of this mandate to forgive. Besides, I don’t see anyone standing in line to forgive me for existing. In fact, the hits keep coming, if you know what I mean. Here are a few gems from that hit list…

“Love the sinner, hate the sin…You know we love you. We just don’t agree with your lifestyle choices….You could change if you wanted to…You have an agenda…Stop flaunting your sexuality…It’s just a phase…You don’t deserve special rights…It’s because of you we have earthquakes, hurricanes, floods…the plague (I wish I was that powerful)…You’re an abomination…God hates you…You’re going to hell (kinda thought I was already there)…and my personal favorite; the one that rips through me like a hot poker through butter…I’m praying for you.

Please don’t. I’m trying to forgive you. I’m trying to not judge you. I’m trying to love you, but you make it so difficult.

Because there’s this too. “Love your enemies… If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.” I fall short everyday. But that doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying; 490 times 490 times and counting.

One day I’ll get it right. In the meantime I am well aware of my flaws and weaknesses. I’m no angel…but neither are you.

And there I go again. Judging you for judging me. I guess that’s why we need practice at this forgiveness thing. I should have just said, “I’m no angel” and left it at that.

~kat


Shi Sai Sunday’s Week in ReVerse – 15 January 2017

Another Sunday…another look back at the week that was. I found this photo in my phone’s album. I didn’t even know I snapped it, but it felt comforting to me to read it. And so, since you said that you are listening, Siri, I do have a few things to say….

Roughly a quarter of our fellow Americans will be celebrating this week; the dawning of a new era and the dismantling of a government that they believed didn’t work for or acknowledge them. I assume that is what they voted for; someone who they believed would drain the swamp, dismantle everything accomplished over the past eight years and make America great again. The new leader of the free world is a celebrity outsider, with no experience governing, who knows how to build things, especially walls…which he promised to build along our southern border.

As for the rest of us? Three quarters of us will be saying goodbye to a decent and, as I believe history will remember him, a great president who served our country with distinction. We will be mourning what might have been, a diverse, inclusive community, where everyone is seen as a person of value, where we care for the least among us, where we all enjoy the freedom of religion to believe as we choose, or not at all, without fear, where we care for the sick, the elderly and the disabled, where education is affordable and accessible to all children, where diplomacy is favored over force, where we protect the fragile nature of our world, welcome the refugee and immigrant and where love is not stuffed into a tiny box.

It is quite a contrast, unprecedented in fact. I have struggled with my own heart in all of this. I would really like to be able to move on and get over it, but I can’t. I can’t ignore lessons of the past that scream at me from my subconscious triggering the gripping fear that has me questioning everything I thought was true. I feel powerless to stop the flood of memories…the weeks I feared for my life when a “christian brother” screamed that gay people should all be killed in response to my coming out. I remember trembling every time a motorcycle rambled through my neighborhood, wondering if he was coming after me. I am reminded that I lost friends and family during those dark days, people who could no longer support me because of “what” I was. I think of the times my partner and I were ignored in retail stores by clerks who refused to help us with our purchase (no, we didn’t sue them for their treatment, we just went somewhere else to spend our dollar…somewhere safe). And most frightening to me is the memory of lying in a hospital bed awaiting surgery, alone, because the staff refused to allow my partner to come back to wait with me, while repeatedly asking me, “Don’t you have any family here that you would like to come back to wait with you?” yet ignoring my repeated reply that I did. And the ER physician who refused to treat me unless “she” left the examining room. Forgive me if I can’t get over this and just move on. The fear is real.

I feel guilty for being upset. For feeling mistrust…for questioning everyone’s motives, for avoiding people who frighten me. They’re not who you think. They are church people, colleagues, family. And most of all I feel guilty because my fears are nothing compared to other targeted groups who stand to lose even more if the new government makes good on its promises. This is not who I am. I struggle to forgive every day…70 times 7 (I get what that means now). I am a loving, forgiving, compassionate person. At least that’s who I try to be.

And I want to trust the people who voted for this. I struggle to understand why, after knowing me, after saying they cared about me, loved me even, they could vote for a government that seeks to harm me, that would sanction discrimination against me in the name of religious freedom, to deny my family…and to harm a whole host of others. I would really like to live my life not having to worry that it all might end; without having to remain vigilant each day, ready to fight for my freedom and liberty. Pursuit of happiness seems like a frivolous luxury, when survival becomes one’s focus. And worst of all, I fear that I will be alone in this. Family, neighbors and coworkers proved on November 8th that I didn’t matter..at least not as much as their need to make a statement, to support whatever it is they voted for or against. And I suppose that is what hurts the most.

Shi Sai Sunday’s Week in ReVerse – 15 January 2017

we never thought time could end before the music stopped playing
“Go home to your families while you can,” he sighed, “nothing can save us now.”
we board coupes and tallyhos
to be committed
for relationships to work
committing fanatic deeds
…her favorite type of affair, a party for one
draped in ebon lace
exhausting all rhyme
starved for warmth beneath the sun’s icy glare
we can always hack the system with love

~kat

A shi sai or ReVerse poem is a summary poem with a single line lifted from each entry of a collection of work over a particular timeframe and re-penned in chronological order as a new poem. Unlike a collaborative poem, the shi sai features the words of one writer,providing a glimpse into their thoughts over time. I use it as a review of the previous week. 😊


Faustian – Friday’s Word of the Day Haiku

faustian

TGIF! That’s all I can say! It’s been a rough several weeks for many of us. And it gets crazier each and every day! Today’s Dictionary.com Word of the Day is another of those blasted words that has a poignant parallel to current events. Last week I dodged the bullet, so to speak, and refused to apply the theme of my haiku to the obvious. But there is no way around it this week…Faustian…how else does one explain the madness that we are currently witnessing?

Dictionary.com defines Faustian as

  1. sacrificing spiritual values for power, knowledge, or material gain: a Faustian pact with the Devil. or
  2. of, relating to, or characteristic of Faust: a Faustian novel.

But it is the origin of the word that truly sent me over the edge…

Johann Faust (c1481–c1541), Latinized as Johannes Faustus, was an itinerant German alchemist, astrologer, magician, and thaumaturge. Legend has it that even though he was very successful, he became dissatisfied with his life and with the limits of human knowledge and therefore sold his soul to the Devil for limitless knowledge and pleasure for a limited time—the Faustian bargain. Faust in German means ”fist”; faustus in Latin means ”of favorable omen, auspicious.”

I know I don’t need to mention it, but it bears repeating, especially since many of you are not from the U.S. Just in case you might be wondering if I am one of those insane persons in the minority who dealt our country a lethal blow last month by voting for, well, you know who. At any rate, here goes…

I did NOT vote for Trump.

That being said, as much as I might want to scream from the rooftops, “He is not my president; he will NEVER be MY president!” I am reminded that the angry minority that voted for him thought that very same thing about my President these last eight years, misinformed and misguided though they may have been. They voted recently, many of them – especially those who claim to be Christians – by selling their soul, in true Faustian fashion, turning a blind eye to his misogyny, racism, privileged, narcissistic, bullying and lying behavior because basically, they were “mad” at a government that they believed was not serving their self-righteous needs. Oops sorry…too harsh? Oh well.

Apparently I am still stinging from the betrayal of many of my friends and family who voted for this monster. In my heart of hearts I know that they are not all those awful things that define the man that they voted for. And while I have admonished myself to be forgiving I am finding that this is an ongoing inner battle that I must fight each and every time I hear another one of his outrageous lies or his announcements of each vile cabinet appointment. “What were they, those who voted for him, thinking?” I think…

Taking a deep breath.

Like it or not, he is THE president-elect. Forgiving those I love for their error (IMHO of course) will, I’m sure, continue to be a thorn in my side, but one that I am determined to press through because I do love them.

As for my country? Just because I forgive the generally nice people who were blinded by his skulduggery, does not mean that I will not continue to stand for justice with every ounce of my being. It’s a fine line we walk, those of us who are awake. But the future depends on it.

Peace and LOVE to you all…kat

“We the People” reap
fallout from Faustian pacts…
elections matter!

kat ~ 2 December 2016


And now the words come…

profile

It has been two days since US Elections on November 8th. Many of us are in shock. We are in mourning. We are afraid. It is real fear. There are definitely things to be concerned about if the new administration is able to follow through on its promises.

I found myself inconsolable in the wee hours of November 9th when the news came. I couldn’t sleep. I plunged into depression. I felt helpless and hopeless. I felt angry and betrayed by family and friends who boasted about voting for a monster (as I perceived him to be). It is personal for me. I stand to lose a lot as one of the targeted minorities on President Trump’s and Vice President Pence’s hit list.

Step One

November 9th was a day unlike any other. I went through the motions at work. Facebook continued to stream nasty meme’s as well as calls for kindness and civility from the very people who accepted the opposite from the most divisive, misogynistic, prejudiced candidate in recent memory. As the gloating persisted on my Facebook page, I did some housecleaning. I unfriended people I didn’t actually know personally and a few others who I realized were not really friends. Some may think it is mean to do such a thing, to unfriend someone. The truth is they probably won’t miss me. And the important thing is that it is a new beginning for me. It is Step One in regaining my power. It is Step One in remembering who I am and who I am not. I am not a victim nor am I a loser.

Step Two

Step Two requires that I face my greatest fears. It is true that the progressive, inclusive and compassionate values many of us have fought for and gained in recent years could be dashed to oblivion by the single stroke of a pen just a few months from now. New, more restrictive mandates too, could be wielded upon us. Some of us could be sent back to countries we have never lived in, but are associated with by virtue of our ethnicity. Some of us may lose access to healthcare and basic services. Some of us, those who dream and wait, longing to come here, might never be allowed to set foot on this soil because the name of their god is not the same as those in power. Some of us may lose the right to marry who we love as well as face limited access to the goods and services availed to everyone, justified by religious freedom, our natural resources risk being depleted for corporate gain. The list goes on. But the truth is, nothing has happened yet. And we are all still here, over 59,938,290 by last count. We are not powerless. We still have a stake in this country. Fear is what drove many who voted for Trump to make their unwise choice.  I must face each fear as it comes and separate reality from the boogeymonster I imagine it to be. Fear will not, cannot win.

Step Three

Step Three will be the hardest thing for me to do. It’s an ongoing step. It is one that draws upon my spirituality and faith. Step Three requires that I forgive the people who are left in my circle who voted either knowingly or in ignorance regarding the consequences of their choice and the affect it might have on me personally. From a spiritual standpoint this is where the rubber hits the road. The truth is, this is the most powerful thing I can do, because I will never know peace and healing if I don’t. These are the words that have been swirling around in my head. “Forgive them, they know not what they do.”

Now you might say, “Well, some of them did know. How can you forgive someone like that?” Well, it’s hard. And I’m not going to say I’m good at this, or that I’ll get it right every time, but I need to remember that forgiveness is not about them, or what they do. It’s about me. Forgiving doesn’t let injustice, malice and ill intent off the hook, but forgiveness empowers me to remove myself from the position of victim, to gain control of the situation and to do something about it for the sake of justice without being sucked into the emotional drama that happens when we take things personally. It seems paradoxical. It’s not personal, but it is very personal, in that I have the power to choose whether I allow it to rule my life and my response to the world around me. I can be more effective when I am free from the bonds of unforgiveness.

So this is my list, my way of coping. You may not agree. Or if you do, you may not be here yet, and that’s okay. Take time to grieve. Take time to sort this all out in your own way. If you need a shoulder or just a friendly ear, I am here with others who know that we must never cease believing in all that is good and just and true. It’s been a shocking week. Maybe we all, even those of us who have been paying attention, needed to wake up and take things up a notch.

Peace Love and Hope to you all.

kat ~ 10 November 2016


Forgiveness -A Six Word Story Challenge

From A Sometimes Stellar Storyteller’s Nicola, another Six Word Story Challenge. This week’s prompt “forgiveness”…and my take. To read more click HERE.

Forgive him, she did…for herself.

~ kat ~ 14 November 2015


%d bloggers like this: