here in the valley

Today, I am starting with a glimmer. My sago palm is sprouting fronds. Every glimmer of new life is a thrilling gift.

Sharing today’s glimmer with you first because recent days have been a bit dark. I am learning that being a caregiver means learning to support your charge in whatever way they need. I can’t possibly hope to understand how excruciating CRPS is, but textbooks say it is the worst pain on the pain scale. They call it the suicide disease for this reason. My wife’s pain is being ill managed by the medical community where we live. I know that she has thought about ending the suffering. She has told me as much. Being a caregiver means supporting your her in whatever she needs, in the choices she makes, even if she decides she can’t do it anymore. So…I have been coming to terms with this. And wrote about it. Sometimes being strong for someone means being utterly weak and helpless and wrapping yourselves in grace together come what may. That’s where I find myself. Thank goodness for glimmers…and life’s surprises in the form of palm fronds.

Much love, peace, glimmers, and much grace to you.

~kat ✨✨✨💚💚💚✨✨✨

here in the valley

in the shadow of the reaper
it is futile to negotiate 
suggest that he be on his way
he never leaves, waits at the gate
eventually he wins the game
when life becomes too much to bear
helps load the gun, helps spill the pills
how, doesn’t matter once you’re there
to witness this impending doom
a soul in peril, shutting down
when love becomes a bitter toll
you want to leave but stick around
to help, as if there is a chance
to stay the reaper one more day
suffering changes us so deep
that empathy can’t grasp its sway
I watch her as she presses on, sleeps through the days to numb the pain
and wonder how she stays so strong
the fight seems cruel, inhumane
there comes a point to let it go
to welcome death with no regrets 
when living sucks the life from us
to acquiesce…I understand, and yet
my heart breaks silently each day
to know the deed has crossed her mind
I’d never blame her if she left
but part of me just wants more time

~kat