day 131

gramma hugs

Does this make me look fat?
my obsession began as a daughter
stuffed into clothes 
that wrapped my curves too tightly
I learned to hide behind dark tents
of fabric, my soft skin growing pale
under the weight of loathing 
You’re not leaving this table
until you clean your plate…
subliminal mandates haunt me still
burning a hole in my soul 
that demand to be obeyed, 
then despised in an unhealthy
cycle of too plenty and growling want 
against intrusive reflections 
that distort my perspective, 
rendering me less than…diminishing 
the beautiful light that chokes for air
beneath layers of flesh, a battle waged
for nearly half a century, somehow
cured instantly, by the tender words 
of a toddler, with eyes blue like mine, 
nestled close, pressed against 
my soft belly, head near my heart,
wrapped in my ample arms…
I love you Gramma…
and I realize, I was made for this.

~kat

I was a chubby kid. The yo-yo battle between thin and fat started in my teens. Weight has been a relentless foe for most of my life. Those rare seasons when I was able to shed weight happened only because I stopped eating…well mostly. I subsisted on hard boiled eggs, water and lettuce…and a few strawberries to treat myself, which of course is not particularly healthy or sustainable. I am older and supposedly wiser these days but that doesn’t mean I defeated those demons that haunt me still. But I am working toward being healthy. And today’s recounts a true story…the words of a toddler that saved me. Excessive dieting is not the answer to improving my health. That “I love you” murmured from the mouth of a mere babe set me on a path of embracing my curves because, you do understand, don’t you…grandmas that are soft and squishy around the middle give the best pillowy hugs…💕

Much love, peace and glimmers to you…soft squishy hugs count! 😉

~kat ✨✨✨💚💚💚✨✨✨