it’s the pain, stupid

there are moments 
when you bark at me
“you’re driving too fast,
too slow, too close 
to the road’s edge” as if
i am intent on killing us both
i forget in that hot minute 
that it is the pain screaming, not you
not that i am entirely blameless, but 
your wrath outweighs my crime
and in that bitter moment of raw 
helplessness, I ignore the pain 
that haunts you, that haunts us,
that thing we dare not name,
by joining your bloody diatribe
regretting my loss of control
the very second my defensive 
outburst pollutes the space 
between us, daggers stabbing 
our silenced broken hearts, 
our shared brokenness magnified…

when hope was a thing
I imagined you walking
when hope was a thing

i know I can’t possibly
fathom the relentless pain 
you’re suffering, the endless hours 
trying sleep it away, the losses…
your career, your plans, your
independence…the least I can
do is drive…just drive, 
please forgive my forgetfulness
the pain has changed you…
changed us both 

“How are YOU doing?”
a friend asked the other day
tears gave me away

~kat