January 4, 2016

New Glasses

By Kat Myrman
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I love getting new glasses. I picked mine up the other day, assuring the clerk that I would be okay wearing them right out of the store, rather than easing into them as she suggested.

“Just pack up my old glasses. I’ll wear these home.” I said. With a raised eyebrow and an accommodating smile she packed up the old glasses and sent me on my way.

I would be fine. I had just read the friggin’ bottom line of smaller than fine print text on the “Try Out Your New Glasses” laminated card. These glasses were AWESOME!

What a rush it was the see the world for the first time, again, through a new set of specs. There were actually pebbles in the pavement…oh…hello there. It was a little closer than I remembered. I’ll get used to that. Watch your step Kat. The curb was taller too. Don’t look down. Just don’t look…down. Oooops. There’s the car. Needs a wash. I’ll have to get to that this weekend.

But oh…the sky and clouds! They looked so clear. And the trees. What leaves that were left…there were LEAVES on the trees. The street signs had words on them. And the yellow line was actually a yellow LINE not a smudge that I imagined an impressionistic public works worker painted on a binge.

Some would say, don’t drive until you are adjusted to your new glasses. But considering that I couldn’t see the signs or the road before, I think that’s a bit backwards.

I made it home. Did you have any doubt? Couldn’t wait to sit with a cup of tea, relax and read a book or the paper without squinting.

But my dream of utopia was quickly dashed.

Wow! look at the dust on the piano. And on the side tables…the mantle…the television screen…the peace lily plant…the cloth furniture. And the slingers! Slinger is code for slobber – a term used by the crazy owners of English Mastiffs who are masters at slinging slimy slobbers in the most interesting places…like there, on the framed photo of Aunt June…right there on the edge of her mouth…GAG! There’s a ring around the tub…and rust stains in the bowl. Bug remnants on the windows and goo on the countertops.

slinger

Master Slinger, Maxwell Robert, demonstrating his impressive looped slobber slinging skills. One shake of his head and…

After the initial shock, I regained my equilibrium, dug my old glasses out of my purse, and settled down with a cup of tea and that book. Don’t mind my squinting. I manage just fine squinting. Seeing is too much pressure!

kat ~ 4 January 2016

This entry was posted on Monday, January 4th, 2016 at 12:19 pm and posted in Essays, Humor, Random Thoughts and Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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